When trust has been broken in a relationship. The relationship has then suffered a deep violation of trust. You and your partner, sibling, friend or parent must commit to co-creating something new.
Start from ground zero. Excavate everything and commit to designing, engineering and building a new, meaningful connection.
You can’t drag the past into the present and pretend things can ever be the same.
The future can be worse, or it can be extraordinary. The choice is yours.
1. Take responsibility for the role you played.
Own up to what you did, whatever part you played, even if it was small. If you were the person who committed the betrayal, be honest and acknowledge the damage and hurt you caused. And even if you were the one hurt, you might have played a significant role in the break in the relationship. Bring your hurts to the table, listen well, and take ownership for your mistakes.
Remember: This is not about winning or losing. It’s about putting all the cards on the table, faceup. No more secrets, no more shadows. If someone “wins” and the other person “loses,” you both lose.
2. Practice forgiveness.
Choosing not to forgive inevitably leads to bitterness. Bitterness is drinking poison hoping someone else will die. More than likely, you’ll have to decide to forgive yourself and/or your partner. Forgiveness is both a one-time choice and an ongoing decision not to hold the past against someone. Forgiveness isn’t contingent on a feeling, and it isn’t contingent on someone else’s behavior. Forgiveness is a choice you make to lighten your own load.
3. Leave the past in the past.
If you say you’re all in on the relationship moving forward, choose to let the past remain in the past. It’s over. Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t learn lessons that will go with you for the rest of your life. It means the past is no longer a weapon for making you feel more important or for winning an argument.
You cannot edit the past. When you agree to start over, you put a period at the end of the old sentence and ask yourself, What sentence do I want to write next? Yes, the hurt will resurface from time to time—often when you least expect it. You’ll be tempted to fall back into old patterns of mistrust. Choose to intentionally shift your mindset to the next chapter of the story you’re writing.
4. Allow time and space for grief.
Give yourself (and the other person) plenty of time to move through grief. Don’t stuff or ignore your feelings or emotions, but also don’t let them dictate how you behave. Be patient and understanding with each other since everyone grieves differently. Don’t judge your partner if they’re not healing as quickly (or in the same way) as you. Never, ever compare grief with anyone. Don’t.
5. Follow through on the small things.
Work to establish trust in the mundane matters of life. It’s hard to trust someone with the big things when they can’t even come through on the small things. Show up to your kid’s dance recitals. If you say you’ll do the laundry, do it. If you promise to be home for dinner, keep that promise. Be a man or a woman of your word.
6. Choose to practice vulnerability.
Trust is built through open, honest exchange of thoughts, feelings and experiences. Put another way: You’ve got to decide if you’re going to be vulnerable again. And yes, this means you might get hurt again. In fact, you can probably count on it. But vulnerability is the only soil that allows relationships to grow. It opens up new levels of love and connection that you never thought possible.
7. Attend to the deeper issues.
The broken trust might not have been intentional, but in most cases, it wasn’t an accident. There’s a reason things deteriorated to this point—both within you and within the relationship. Are you allowing stories and voices from your past to inform your current relationships? Are you remaining in dysfunctional relationships because you’re afraid to be honest with yourself?
If you want to truly heal and move forward, you’ve got to do some “soul-spelunking.” What resentment or anxiety or wounds or fears are buried deep? What beliefs and habits paved the way for you to make those hurtful decisions? How do you and your partner need to change the way you relate to and communicate with each other?
This is important work to do as individuals and as a couple. If necessary, work with a professional therapist who can guide you through this process.
8. Co-create a new future.
Let’s come full circle to our analogy about the twin towers. Right now, you’re staring at the heaps of ashes and broken glass. If you and your partner are all in on moving forward, you’ve got to sweep the foundation clean, gather some building materials, and get to work.
Spend lots of unrushed time together to simply connect and be in each other’s presence. Get to know each other again. Have fun and be silly. Create time for serious conversations. Dream about the future. Paint a picture – be very specific – of the kind of relationship you want and the kind of life you want to build together from here on out.
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